Just Venting (Feel Free to Ignore This)
Updated: May 30
JAR JAR ABRAMS WANK START
“When a television show from the 1960s is more progressive than its 2009 counterpart, something is very wrong with society.” —A Girl of Many Fandoms
"I never liked 'Star Trek' when I was a kid. Growing up, honestly, I couldn't get into it. My friends loved it, and I would try. I would watch episodes but it always felt too philosophical to me. Some of the writers love 'Star Trek,' I was not really a fan, my producing partner never saw it... so when we were all happy it felt like that was the way to go."
"I stopped listening to you when you said you didn't like 'Star Trek'."
"You ... and your kind ... were much smarter than I was. I couldn't get it. So we tried to make it work for people like me ... and people like you. The goal was to make a movie for moviegoers, not just for 'Star Trek' fans. So if you've never seen 'Star Trek' before, you can still see it."
For reasons unknown—money—he took the job to direct the first reboot film for a franchise he has NEVER had any interest in ( and, very likely, never will ). Not only did he straight-up tell the "Star Trek" fans that he was NOT one of them, but his 'not being a fellow fan' was very evident in the final product (which I’m PRETTY sure is the textbook definition of 'unprofessional' ).
It was lazy and sloppy, fulfilling only the minimum capitalistic film standards which satisfy the—rich, old, racist, sexist, homophobic, male—Hollywood ‘powers that be’ who run the industry, a standard based on the preconceived notion that the viewer's level of intelligence is zero MAXIMUM. That being the case, there was no creative effort put into the writing. Instead, Jar Jar relied on an age-old entertainment model comprised of sexism/racism, LOTS of shiny things and TONS of explosions to make up for the lack of content ( *sigh* what a waste of an amazing cast ).
By using this model he completely contradicted the central ideals of “Star Trek: The Original Series”, the major ones being DIVERSITY and EQUALITY.
Regarding diversity, having all of the people of color ( Um... There’s Sulu and... I guess there was one male, I think? ) only getting a handful of catch-phrases to shave minutes off the film's total duration and/or straight-up just plain dying to create the illusion that a situation is emotionally charged... that's a fail.
Regarding equality, that's also a fail. All of the—TWO—women strip and pose while scantily clad. Half of the women—ONE—was gratuitously put into a relationship with a male protagonist. And I guess Jar Jar was too busy sexually objectifying his TWO women that he neglected to include a very important female character: Number one! Gene Roddenberry was limited by the social mentality of his era and yet, somehow, he STILL had MORE female characters than Jar Jar did in 2009! WTF?!
Jar Jar's job was to adapt the original content INTO a modern package but to do that one has to understand the original content, which he explicitly stated that he did NOT. So if he didn't UNDERSTAND the content being rebooted and he didn't CARE the content being rebooted so... how did he get the job?
Regardless, he DID get the job and Jar Jar got through his tedious assignment so could move on to something he ACTUALLY likes... ...except, that he did the SEQUEL too.
Unsurprisingly, he’s even lazier with this film. He continued to use the above model but with one modification: *takes deep breath for upcoming run-on sentence*
Instead of stringing together ALL of the above and jamming that into the most commonly used narrative tropes and then arranging them in most commonly used sequence to create a *air quotes* plot, he just straight-up plagiarized the plot of one of the original films, "Star Trek II: the Wrath of Khan". But before the film was released, he tried to be clever with it, I think? He dangled the infamous Trek villain, Khan, as bait to frenzy the fans all the while denying that the character would be in the film. Unfortunately for Jar Jar and the Hollywood big wigs, the viewer's intelligence levels are ABOVE zero so everyone had figured it out immediately—like right after the initial release of teaser trailer, immediately—so Jar Jar just looked like a dumbass repeating “It’s not Khan!” over and over during the ENTIRE marketing campaign right up to the premiere.
That's right. All of this was BEFORE the film was released. >.<
When the movie finally came out, it turned out that he not only ripped off “Star Trek II: the Wrath of Khan” but he also 'dumbed it down'. Like, a lot. A LOT. The only thing that he actually changed from the original was the roles of the two protagonists during the heart wrenching death scene ( SPOILER! Kirk died and Spock had to watch, instead of the other way around ). Apparently just exchanging the dialogue between two characters in just the ONE sceneis 'creative' and BOOM! The movie is original?
No, in my opinion it does not.
If it was written WELL, if might have been, but it wasn’t. It was a terrible self-indulgent fan fic.
The reasons for why the desperately essential mission was suicidal were... I don’t remember. The situation was that dire. *rolls eyes* Then the mechanics required to save the big complex space ship was just Kirk kicking the crap out of machinery over and over because he doesn’t have a genius I.Q. anymore ( Seriously, where did that go? This is basic information from the first movie, people! )? And on top of ALL of this B.S., Spock’s tears and Kirk’s death were instantaneously cheapened because—spoiler alert!—Kirk was immediately resurrected thanks to Khan’s miracle blood.
Khan’s Miracle Blood.
Because genetic engineering during the Eugenics Wars resulted in the development a non-synthetic human blood with regenerative properties so powerful it could bring the dead back to life, or in this case bring the nearly dead back to life, but in case of emergencies Star Fleet still employed doctors.
Putting aside the fact that at present humanity is nowhere NEAR developing a successful blood substitute...
Yeah, still no.
By the way, Khan is a genetically enhanced human from the Eugenics wars, in case I’ve just gone from 0—speaking generally—to 60—babbling random factoids and specifics—just now.
Eventually, Jar Jar finally got his dream job and directed the latest installment of the Star Wars saga: "Star Wars: the Force Awakens". I’m sure he fangirled himself into unconsciousness when he found out, he loves the fandom so much, which is probably WHY the movie was actually good.
There were cinematographic elements that simulated those in the original trilogy.
A lot of the actors from the original films returned to reprise their roles.
The movie was littered with 'easter eggs' from the original films.
The story parallels that of Episode IV with the exception that this movie features a richly diverse cast of new characters: the protagonist is a non-sexualized female who drives the plot and her costars are men of color.
My only complaint was Jar Jar’s trademark ‘ludicrously enormous evil fortress that good needs to blow the frell up which is clearly overcompensating for something, right Jar Jar?’. But, all in all, I found it to be the right amount of originality and rebooting to entertain the original fans as well as the next generation.
THIS IS HOW YOU FAN FIC, PEOPLE!
Needless to say, when I first watched it I couldn't help but be like “WHY DIDN’T YOU DO ALL OF THIS FOR STAR TREK?!!”
I mean, “Star Trek: Into Darkness” was SO bad that his wife forced him to watch the film so he could see that he had devastatingly detrimental addiction to lens flares and he was cured! His abysmal failure with the "Star Trek" films CURED HIM of his lens flare mania!!!
Also, how convenient was it that he overcame his lens flare mania BEFORE he worked on his dream film? Hm?!
Basically, what I'm trying to say is that if you don't understand a job and you tell everyone that you don't understand a job so everyone knows you don't understand a job...
DON'T TAKE THE F**KING JOB!!!
AND YOU SURE AS F**K DON'T SIGN UP FOR THE FOLLOW UP!!!
He’s just... He’s just... Just...
JAR JAR ABRAMS WANK END