My Ficlet: "Hey There, Chief!"
Updated: Aug 12
Author: Mistina and Sailor Shipper of the Cranky Ol’ Fangirls
Date: May 25, 2013
Revised: July 27, 2020
Spoilers: 4x12 ‘Criss Angel is a Douche Bag’
Length: 311 words
Rating: 14a for implied sexual situations and some crude language
Summary: “What if Castiel had appeared in Season 4, Episode 12 ‘Criss Angel is a Douche Bag’?”
Author's Note:This is ‘spur of the moment’ crack I spewed out over yahoo during a “Supernatural” marathon with Shipper, with help from Shipper. Not to be taken seriously. Not proofread.
Excerpt from the show:
CHIEF: You are really gonna get it tonight, big boy.
DEAN: There’s been a misunderstanding. I think, uh, I’ve been had.
CHIEF: Oh, you ain’t been had till you been had by The Chief.
CHIEF: Oh, and before we get started, what’s your safe word?
SAM: No way!
DEAN: Ugh… Why the Hell am I telling you guys this?
SAM: *laughing his ass off*
DEAN: It seemed like a valid lead, dammit! How was I supposed to know that they were screwing with me?!
CASTIEL: I don't understand, Dean. Do humans find ‘abuse’ to be pleasurable somehow? Don’t tell me that you find it pleasurable… do you?
CASTIEL: *turns to Dean with puppy eyes*
DEAN: *flushes scarlet*
SAM: *wiping a tear from his eye* Well, Dean, I’ll leave you to demonstrate for him. I'm going to go to the library for a few hours to, um…
DEAN: What the Hell?!
SAM: Well, you know… Research! I’m gonna research our next monster of the week. Yeah, that’s it. Bye, guys! Have fun! *rushes out of room, laughing*
DEAN: Dammit, Sam! If anyone’s going to explain this to him, it's YOU you fruit —
CASTIEL: …he’s gone, Dean.
CASTIEL: *soulfully stares into Dean’s eyes, more intensely than usual*
DEAN: Uhh… Cas? *starts backing away* Stop looking at me like… like that… *backs up into the wall*
CASTIEL: *more staring*
DEAN: *stares back, cornered*
CASTIEL: *again, more staring only he imperceptibly raises a brow*
CASTIEL: Yes, Dean?
DEAN: You... You know! Y-You… You’re…
CASTIEL: * sighs* Dean, I’m fully aware of what humans find pleasurable.
DEAN: *eyes widen in surprise* Then why —
CASTIEL: I just... *finally looks away*
CASTIEL: *flushes, suddenly unable to look Dean in the eye*
CASTIEL: …I just wanted you to show me.
DEAN: *gently reaches out to nudge Castiel’s chin up so that the angel’s gaze once again met his own*
*they share a sweet and romantic kiss*
DEAN: *suddenly pushes Castiel onto the bed roughly*
DEAN: Alright. What’s your safe word?
“Castiel, the Energizer Bunny of the Lord”
SAM: *at the library*
SAM: Man, I’m tired of research… I guess I’ll head back— Crap! We just have the one room. Well that’s alright, I can just— Dammit! I left my wallet in there… T_T
SAM: *sighs* I guess I'll have to wait, since they have the keys too…
*six hours later*
SAM: *standing outside the motel room where obscene noises are burning his ears*
SAM: Christ! Just how much stamina do they have? *makes his patented ‘bitch face’*
SAM: Oh well, I guess I'll go hustle pool at a bar... Maybe I can make enough money to drown myself in beer. Lots and lots of beer…
*Several more hours later, back in the motel room*
CASTIEL: Dean, I think it’s safe to say that you’ve successfully deflowered me.
DEAN: Dammit, Cas!