Fandom "Reviews": Xena... The Original Miss Congeniality?!
Updated: May 26, 2020
-->> 2000 <<--
"An F.B.I. Agent must go undercover in the Miss United States Pageant to prevent a group from bombing the event.”
"Xena: Warrior Princess" Season 2, Episode 11:
-->> 1997 <<--
“A fragile peace may be derailed by behind-the-scenes mayhem at a beauty pageant, in which the rulers of all three former enemies have entered their girlfriends as contestants.”
I was surprised at how great this episode was.
Sal: Xena! I was just talking about you... sort of. Xena: Beauty contest? You sent urgent word for us to come and see some under-dressed, over-developed bimbos in a beauty contest? Sal: Pageant. It’s called a pageant. Gabrielle: Contest, pageant. It’s a feeble excuse for men to exploit and degrade women. Sal: Wrong as usual, Miss Sunshine. Since when do we ever NEED an excuse? Gabrielle: Hmm.
Xena: Looking for this? Now, I want some straight answers.
Miss Artifice: Have you got the wrong girl! Miss Artifice: OK, OK, I was just kidding. Where’s your sense of humor?
Xena: Gee, I guess I must have sweated it out. Is that your idea of funny, too?
Miss Artifice: I was just trying to scare you.
Xena: Why’d you want to scare me?
Miss Artifice: Because I knew you knew. You know, about me. And I didn’t want you to tell anyone. But when I came back to unlock the door, you had already gone.
Xena: What made you think I’d tell?
Miss Artifice: You really don’t get it, do you? I guess being born a woman, you wouldn’t. This is a chance to use a part of me most people usually laugh at, or worse. The part I usually have to hide... Only here that part works for me, you see?
Xena: I think so.
Miss Artifice: Look. I don’t expect you to understand. And I’m sorry I got you steamed. I just hope you let me quit the pageant in private instead of going public with it.
Xena: No way.
Xena: May the best person win.
Sponsor Pal: I told mine I don’t care if she wins. I just don’t want her to lose.
Gabrielle: Very understanding.
Sponsor Doge: Why, what’d you tell yours?
Gabrielle: I do not tell her anything. We are a team. I ask.
Sponsor Pal: Yeah, right! One more incident, I’m bringing in my troops.
Sponsor Regent: That makes two of us.
Sponsor Doge: Marquesa.
Sponsor Doge: That asking stuff... That works for you?
Gabrielle: Every time.
Sponsor Doge: Hmm.
Gabrielle: Remember, a beauty pageant is like a war. To win, you’ve gotta be fired with the heat of competition! The power! The passion! The desire to win.
Xena: Gabrielle, we’re not here to win. We’re here to stop a war.
Gabrielle: Yeah, sure. But there’s no harm in winning, right?
Sal: Next, we have Miss Skyros. As cool as the marble her country is known for, Miss Skyros’ hobbies include music, exotic dancing, and sacrificing to the gods. Her favorite deity: Aphrodite! Let’s hear it for Miss Skyros, everybody.
Sponsor Pal: Wait! That woman! She’s not a contestant! That’s Xena, Warrior Princess!
Sponsor Doge: She’s a hired mercenary!
Sponsor Regent: It’s a breach of the peace!
Sponsor Pal: This means war! Arrest her! Arrest the Warrior Princess!
Man’s Voice: Right. Take her away.
Miss Artifice: Honey, I’m no princess—
Miss Artifice: I’m a Queen.
Sal: Actually, folks, this lanky beauty is our last contestant, Miss Artifice, whose hobbies include archery, horse-breeding, and knowing the complete score to every musical ever written. Put ‘em together for Miss Artifice, everybody. Thank you.
Xena: How did you— Why?
Miss Artifice: I guess we both got our secrets. Thanks for keeping mine.
Xena: Miss Messini? What happened?
Miss Messini: Nothing, I’m fine. Really, just a little something in my eye. That’s all.
Xena: Oh. I guess we’re all kind of keyed up, you know? Wondering about who’s gonna win the pageant and all, huh?
Miss Messini: No, I think it’s a crock.
Xena: You do?
Miss Messini: We all do. Except for you. But then, you’re not from around here. You can’t know how stupid something like this seems, when you’ve been through a war where it was a fight just to survive.
Xena: Well, if that’s how you all feel, then why are you here?
Miss Messini: Different reasons... Miss Parnassus made a deal. If she wins, the Palatine will give her village extra food for this coming winter. Or Miss Skyros... the war was so terrible... and the memories. She wants to get away, so she’s using this pageant to do it.
Xena: And you? Why’d you enter?
Miss Messini: I didn’t. My boyf— my sponsor entered me. I guess I could’ve said no, but it just seemed to mean so much to him that I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
Xena: What about your feelings? Don’t they count?
Miss Messini: They never have before. I mean, he loves me... But he’s so hung up on the way I look, you know? That it’s hard for him to see past that to the person underneath. But, then I guess a lot of people make that mistake, don’t you?
Xena: I know they do, but you can change that. Tell him how you feel. You’re entitled.
Miss Messini: You think so?
Xena: I know so. So should you.
MISS ARTIFICE WINS the 'Miss Known World' pageant!!!