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  • A Girl of Many Fandoms

Fandom "Review": My Illustrated "Review" of Disney's Frozen

Updated: May 25

[[ All "Frozen" screencaps are from Frozen Screencaps. Any other picture should be sourced. ]]






...


Dang that's cute!








Wow.


really didn’t see them coming.


O.O



I think they should replace lawn gnomes because they are so much cuter!


XP




"Listen to me, Elsa, your power will only grow."



"There is beauty in it…"



"...but also great danger. You must learn to control it. Fear will be your enemy."



ME: So what's the solution, guys?


"No. We’ll protect her. She can learn to control it. I’m sure. Until then, we’ll lock the gates. We’ll reduce the staff. We will limit her contact with people and keep her powers hidden from everyone… including Anna."



So there’s a prophecy about how your loved one’s supernatural powers will bring disaster upon both themselves and the land and your solution is to punish protect said POWERFUL loved one by exiling them into hiding?


First, I've NEVER heard this story before.


*rolls eyes*


Second, Isolation = Solution?


Yeah, because that’ll end well.


*rolls eyes harder*




*time lapses*


*singing*


*time lapses*


*singing*


*time lapses*


*singing*


*more singing*


*time lapses*


*singing*


Bring back the trolls!


I’m booOOOooOOoooOoOooorrrreeeddd…..


T_T



*royal parents board a ship for a short trip*


ME: Who’s going to kick it! Taking all bets!

MY DAD: I would never want to be a parent in a Disney film.

MY MOM: Yeah, in Disney films they have to be orphans.



"I won’t be alone. I can’t wait to meet everyone…


What if I meet 'the one'?"


ME: Oh god… No…


"Tonight, imagine me gown and all.


Fetchingly draped against the wall.


The picture of sophisticated Grace."



ME: Seriously?


"I suddenly see him standing there,


a beautiful stranger tall and fair.


I wanna stuff some chocolate in my face!


But then we laugh and talk all evening,


Which is totally bizarre."



ME: Seriously?!


"Nothing like the life I’ve led so far.


For the first time in forever,


There’ll be magic, There’ll be fun."



ME: Up until this song, this movie was all about family! Now she’s singing about finding a man?!



"For the first time in forever,


I could be noticed by someone."



ME: Fuck my life…


"And I know it is totally crazy.


To dream I’d find romance."



ME: Couldn’t they have foreshadowed this theme during the prologue?


"But for the first time in forever,


At least I’ve got a chance!"



ME: I wouldn’t be so disgusted if they had.




ME: OH COME ON!!!


I took Art History and I know that painting, it’s obviously based off Fragonard’s “The Swing”!


It’s a painting about casual sex! How do I know? Because It's hard to forget hearing your Art History teacher telling you about how 'losing her shoe' symbolized the woman's loss of her virginity!!!


*rages*



ME: I hate Anna already.

Shipper:She’s been locked up way too long.

Me:With the wrong literature.

Me:*fumes*




A white knight?




IT’S A TRAP!!!



What is up with his horse’s hair?


I mean, I know this is an animated movie and all, but with the combination of the realistic color palettes with the unrealistically placed color streak… wtf?!


o.O



“…The bells. The coronation.

I… I…”


ME: Running late? Steal Borrow his horse!



"I better go. I have to…I better go.


Bye!"



ME: Aw… She didn’t steal borrow the horse.


:(




That’s not a crown!!!


That’s a hair clip sh*tty tiara!!!





Dayum…


I can see why people ship these two⁠—


NUOOOO!!! NOT THE INCEST!!!


FETCH ME BRAIN BLEACH!!!




Hans: Can I say something crazy…?


Hans: Will you marry me?


Anna: Can I just say something even crazier?


Anna: Yes.



WHAT THE HELL?!!


DIDN’T THEY JUST MEET?!!


O.O



She really has been locked up too long.


T_T




Elsa’s secret power: Bullshit detection.


YOU GO, ELSA!!


One does not receive the Queen’s blessing for stupidity!!! Love, yes. Stupidity, GET THE BLEEP OUT OF HERE!




Now I realize that, in context, everyone’s reaction to Elsa's display of power was realistic, but this would have been me:



Where is this kid when you need him?


XP





Cinderella Elsa leaves behind a glass slipper glove behind at the ball and the prince princess Anna chases after⁠—


NUOOOO!!!! THE INCEST’S BACK!!!


BRAIN BLEACH!!!!


MY KINGDOM FOR SOME BRAIN BLEACH!!!


T_T



In other new, the anatomy of the royal sisters creeps me out… Eyes… Nose… They must have really weird skulls… Wow, apparently I did learn something in that Anatomy class years and years ago. XP





YAY!!!


Anna stole the horse after all⁠—


WAIT FOR IT!


YAY!


Finally something of quality!


*sings along to ‘Let it Go’*


WAIT FOR IT!




WAIT



FOR


IT


And there it is. The horse escaped.


XD




OMG!!!


This movie is worth watching just for this:


Anna waddling…


*waddle, waddle*


…in a half frozen dress!!!


ROFL!!!



Wow! This shop keeper’s cheerfulness is unwavering and he is completely unfazed by anything!



Until you insult his honor.



But he is easily satisfied…



…and resumes his post.



XD



Reindeers are better than people.


Sven, Don’t you think that’s true?”


“Yeah, People will beat you & Curse you & Cheat you.


Every one of em’s bad, Except you”


“Oh, Thanks, Buddy.


But People smell better than Reindeers.


Sven, Don’t you think I’m right?


That’s once again true, For all Except you.”


ME:

ME: Is he serenading his reindeer?

ME: O.O

ME:BESTIALITY!!!

SHIPPER: And this is a Disney film.

ME: Hello? Beauty and the Beast? *in the following tone*





First Elsa, now a complete stranger. How many more people have to point out that getting engaged after ONE date is CRAZY before Anna finally gets it?


Kristoff: Didn’t your parents ever warn you about strangers?


Anna: Yes, they did… But Hans is not a stranger.



ME: *face palm*



Kristoff:  Oh yeah? What’s his last name?


Anna: …Of-the-Southern-Isles?


Kristoff:  What’s his favorite food?


Anna: Sandwiches.


Kristoff:  Best friend’s name?


Anna: Probably John.


Kristoff:  Eye color…


Anna: Dreamy.



ME: *gags*



Kristoff: Foot size?


Anna: Foot size doesn’t matter.



ME: I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE!!!!



Kristoff: Have you had a meal with him yet? What if you hate the way he eats? What if you hate the way he picks his nose?


Anna: Picks his nose?


Kristoff: And eats it.


Anna: Excuse me, Sir. He’s a Prince.


Kristoff: All men do it.


ME:


ME: LOL!




Wolves?


Really?



*coughs* BeautyAndTheBeastRipOff *coughs*



See?




ME:



ME:



ME: WTF?!


ME: O.O



Kristoff: But I just paid it off.



ME: Okay, this I like.


ME: XD




“Of course I don’t want to help her anymore. In fact, this whole thing has ruined me for helping anyone ever again.”


“But she’ll die on her own”


“I can live with that.”


“But you won’t get your new sled if she’s dead.”


“You know sometimes I really don’t like you.


ME:


ME: Wait, so… He talks for Sven?


ME: I thought that Sven could talk. I mean, this is a DISNEY movie after all. Right?


o.O




Anna: Arendelle…


Kristoff: It’s completely… frozen.


(who made this glorious gif? who?!)




Olaf: Hi everyone. I’m Olaf. And I like warm hugs.



Ted: I love you!



I sense a terrible future for Olaf, is all I'm saying.


XP





Olaf: Hi everyone. I’m Olaf. And I like warm hugs.


Anna: Olaf?


Olaf: That’s right, Olaf…and you are?


Anna: Oh, um… I’m Anna.


Olaf: And who’s the funky-looking donkey over there?


Anna: That’s Sven.


Olaf: Uh-huh. And who’s the reindeer?



ME: ROFL!


"But sometimes I like to close my eyes and imagine what it’d be like when summer does come."



"Bees’ll Buzz, Kids’ll blow dandelion fuzz.

And I’ll be doing whatever snow does in summer."



"A drink in my hand, My snow up against the burning sand.

Prob'ly getting gorgeously tanned in Summer."



"I’ll finally see a summer breeze,

blow away a winter storm."



"And find out what happens to

solid water, When it gets warm. And I can’t wait to see, what my buddies all think of me. Just imagine how much cooler I’ll be in summer! The hot and the cold are both so intense, Put ‘em together, It just makes sense!"



"Winter’s a good time to stay in and cuddle,

But put me in summer and I’ll be a… Happy Snowman!"



ME: XD

"When life gets rough I like to hold on to my dream of relaxing in the summer sun just letting off steam! Oh the sky will be Blue…"



"And you guys’ll be there too.

When I finally do what frozen things do in Summer!"



Kristoff: I’m gonna tell him.


Anna: Don’t you dare.



ME: ROFL!




Anna: You should probably wait out here.


Kristoff: What?


Anna: Last time I introduced her to a guy, she froze everything.


Kristoph: But. But…Oh come on, It’s a palace made of ice. Ice is my life…



MY DAD: He likes ice, she conjures ice. Hmm… I wonder who he’s going to end up with…


ME: This is a Disney movie, he’s ending up with Anna because she’s the 'hero’. *rolls eyes*



Olaf: Bye, Sven.


Anna: You too, Olaf.


Olaf: Me?


Anna: Just give us a minute.


Olaf: Okay. One… two… Three… four…


Kristoff: *joins in*



ME: LOL!




Elsa literally only JUST performed a WHOLE musical number about self-empowerment—which was, like, her only significant contribution to the plot so far, excluding her being the central conflict that kickstarted the plot in the first place—and the writers have ALREADY retconned it?!!


That means that she doesn't start actively contributing to the narrative until JUST NOW!!! Well, if you can call being the ongoing obstacle that Anna has to overcome 'actively contributing'.


*sigh*





Oh!


JUST got the whole summer and winter contrast… thing…


I’m slow.


XD




The heart?


Why does that sound familiar?


Hmm…


"Shot through the heart and you’re to blame


Darlin’ you give love a bad name"


Heheheheh⁠—


ARGH!!!


BRAIN BLEACH!!!!



Where was I?


Ah yes, REWIND!

"You are lucky it wasn’t her heart. The heart is not so easily changed, but the head can be persuaded."


Disney: Subtle like a two by four.


XD




*grabby hands*


Can I keep him?


PWEASE!!!


<3




OMG!!!


Was he stuck like that the whole time?!


XD



Anna psyching herself up…


LOL!


XD




ME: Olaf is like a kitten trying to protect his owner from a giant ogre.

SHIPPER: But not like Puss in Boots.

ME: 

ME: Wow, how did I miss an opportunity to make a Shrek reference? Oops…


XD




Anna: Um… How’s your head?


Kristoff: It’s fine. Ah… I’m good. Ha. I’ve got a thick skull.



Olaf: I don’t have a skull…Or bones.



ME: 


ME: How is he not annoying?! Seriously?!


ME: I should be completely annoyed by him and yet I can’t stop finding him adorable as f**k!

ME: Stop it, Olaf! Stop it!


XD





Queue awkward 'falling in love' two by four to the head foreshadowing.


XP




Kristoff: Meet my family!



Anna: They’re rocks.


Olaf: He’s crazy.



ME: LOL



Kristoff: *holds conversation with rocks*



Olaf: I’ll distract them while you run.



Olaf: Hi, Sven’s family! It’s nice to meet you!



Olaf: Anna, because I love you, I insist you run.


Olaf: Why aren’t you running?



ME: Seriously, how does he NOT annoy me? How?!

ME: XD



"But look, I grew a mushroom."


"And I earned my fire Crystal."


"I passed a kidney Stone."


XD



Look, Disney…

If you DON'T want the romantic chemistry between two characters to look forced, then having the hero’s adopted family sing them a WHOLE song that's, well, basically 'NOW KISS!' probably isn’t the way to do it? Just f.y.i.


(who made this glorious gif? who?!)


(who made this glorious gif? who?!)




Kristoff: She’s engaged to someone else. Okay?!



ME: So she’s the fixer upper, eh?


Trolls: So she’s a bit of a fixer upper…



ME: Nailed it.




Troll: There is ice in your heart, put there by your sister. If not removed, to solid ice will you freeze, forever.


Kristoff: What …? No. But you can remove it, Right?


Troll: I cannot, I’m sorry Kristoff… If it was her head that would be easy.


"But only an act of true love can thaw a frozen heart."



ME: D'uh! with a sprinkle of Pun.




Olaf: Let’s go kiss Hans! who is this Hans?

ME: XD

SHIPPER: And to think many people, myself included, were worried he would be annoying?

ME:Turns out he’s one of the best parts. Who knew?





NUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!


NOT MY BABY!!!!


T_T



Kristoff: Olaf! Stay out of sight!!!



Olaf: I will!



*slides into town*


Olaf: Oh! Hello!


*townspeople scream*


XD




Hans: What happened out there?



ME: Come on…



Anna: Elsa struck me with her powers.


Hans: You said she’d never hurt you.



ME: Come on…



Anna: I was wrong.


Hans: Anna?



ME: Come on…



Anna: She froze my heart and only an act of true love can save me.


Hans: A true love’s kiss.



Me: COME ON!



Hans: Oh, Anna…



Hans: If only there was someone out there who loved you.



ME: And THERE's the 180 we ALL knew was coming. ME: Ya know, ever since he proposed to Anna only a few hours after meeting A PRINCESS.


ME: ...


ME: Regardless... No mercy, Elsa! Aim for his heart!




So…


The hero returns the princess to her 'one true wuv’ and, in an attempt to be noble, he leaves without confessing his feelings. However the presumed 'one true wuv' turned out to be the VILLAIN and the hero has to run back to rescue her…


How original.


Very creative…


*rolls eyes*





Olaf can pick locks with his nose!!!


XD




Anna: Please Olaf, you can’t stay here, you’ll melt.


Olaf: I am not leaving here until we find some other act of true love to save you. Do you happen to have any ideas?



ME: What a sweetie!! <3



Anna: I don’t even know what love is.


Olaf: That’s okay, I do…Love is… putting someone else’s needs before yours, like, you know, how Kristoff brought you back here to Hans and left you forever.


Anna: Kristoff loves me?


Olaf: Wow, you really don’t know anything about love, do you?


Anna: Olaf, you’re melting.


Olaf: Some people are worth melting for. Just maybe not right this second⁠—



ME: WHY DOES HE NOT ANNOY ME? WHY?! <3



"Oh, wait. Hang on."


"I’m getting something."


"It’s Kristoff and Sven! They’re coming back this way."


Anna: They-they are?


Olaf: Wow, he’s really moving fast. Huh…I guess I was wrong.


Olaf: I guess Kristoff doesn’t love …you enough to leave you behind.



ME: Icicle Telescope!!!

SHIPPER: Most epic cute sidekick ever!

ME:Not only cute in physique, but also in personality! He’s so positive and upbeat but somehow it’s not annoying. XD






Yeah… I see why peeps ship Anna/Elsa…


But I refuse to join their incestuous ranks! I refuse!! I refuse…





Oh, this scene is really not helping.





REALLY not helping.





Really



REALLY


NOT



HELPING!!!



T_T



"Hands down, this is the best day of my life…"


"…and quite possibly the last."


"Oh, Olaf. Hang on, little guy."


"Hey, my own personal flurry."



ME: Awwwwww!!!! <3




*jaw drops*


Wow! Anna can pack a punch!


*applauds*


MY VERDICT:


Not sure how I feel about this movie.


I think I hate half of it and love the other half.


There were some elements that I really didn’t like ( I still don’t like the female character designs, it was like they copied and pasted Rapunzel's design and simply redressed her TWICE OVER ), I thought the plot was quite weak ( see ALL my above commentary for details ) and I did NOT find any of the epic feminism this film is being lauded for ( the feminist elements this movie DOES have were SO poorly executed that it ended up having little value and sometimes even became a little sexist ).


HOWEVER, Elsa was awesome ( despite the writers giving her NOTHING to do but stand there, look pretty and be miserable ), the song 'Let it Go' is fantastic ( even though it had NOTHING to do with the plot ), and Olaf was a delightful surprise ( though he was incapable of negative emotions the character was SO WELL executed that he wasn’t annoying in a 'I've transcended you' way or creepy in a 'brainwashed cultist' way, instead he was lovable because he was the epitome of innocence ). There were also many tiny elements was were unique and surprising.


So…


I liked the movie 50/50.


However I'm 100% certain it was NOT feminist, not the way people are saying. This film features one of the worst female role models I've ever seen ( Anna ) and the other is a perfect example of a faux action girl ( Elsa ). Not the characters fault, of course, as they don't have any agency. In fact, I see a lot of potential in them. No, the fault lies in the writing. -_-;;


#fandomreviews #disney #frozen #elsa #anna #kristoff #sven #censoredfbombs #sailorshipper #gifusage

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